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This Month's Question~
Q. Is my 6 year old son's behaviour NORMAL?
All of my son's emotions are so big! When he is angry he flies into rages. When he is sad he will cry for an hour or more. When he gets disappointed it is the end of the world. When he is happy he bounces off the walls and can't focus. It makes him socially awkward. He is so smart, and super creative! I just want him to have friends and be happy. Can CBT help him get his emotions under control?
A. This is a great question - our society puts alot of pressure on children to be perfect, but your 6 year old is not a little adult. 'Normal' should be a banned word, but yes it is normal for your child to not have control of his emotions at age 6, and have difficulty in social settings. Every child develops at his/her own pace, and it sounds like your son is ahead of the game with intellectual development, creativity and in meeting all his physical milestones. CBT can help him get his emotions under control, but some behaviourally inspired play therapy might help as well. You may want to contact a Behaviour Therapist to assist your family in setting up a more detailed plan, especially surrounding how 'big' and long his feelings are.
The best news is that there is lots you can do at home! I would encourage you to coach your son through positive play sessions like the following, to encourage more emotional skills development:
1. Write out and prioritize the MOST difficult situations (ex 1-5) for your son.
2. Set up one of the situations {ex: turn taking} while playing with you (or other adult).
3. Practice giving him (verbal) alternatives to choose from {ex: as you see him begin to get frustrated, instead of redirecting him to calm down, you could give him a phrase to say to himself such as "It's ok, I'll have a turn again soon"}.
4. Once you see him using the strategy independently, facilitate a play date with just one friend over (less likely to get overwhelming) and stay involved coaching him. { For example, If he starts to get impatient waiting for his turn, you cue him with the phrase "It's ok, you'll have a turn again soon".}
5. Have play dates with more than one friend, once he has practiced it successfully with one etc etc. Encourage him to try it at school and tell you how it went!
6. Repeat - start with a new social behaviour from your list.
Tips:
√ Build on the positive, unless it’s dangerous (or really rude) try to ignore some of the negative, so as not to discourage your high-spirited young son.
√ Reward even small changes in the most difficult behaviour. "Today you calmed down really well after you got upset playing CandyLand!"
√ Work on one behaviour at a time - turn taking, frustration management, waiting politely etc etc are too many things to practice at once.
√ This age has a particular love for RULES, and can quickly become upset if he thinks someone isn't following THE (his) rules!
√ Encourage flexibility, and remember that learning emotional skills takes time just like learning anything else.
Best of luck and congratulations on being such a caring mom. There is so much to teach our children!